I’ll take ‘Kids in the Class’ for a thousand, please…

When I was doing student ministry, I always had that kid who would pre-fill in the blanks of a lesson before or while I was teaching.  I generally found it annoying because that same student would come up to me afterward with a gloating spirit and announce how well they nailed it.  There is always one in a group, right?

My son is now that one, except for the gloating - I won’t let him get away with that.

My son attends Men’s Bible Study with me every Thursday morning.  When he first started attending he saw me trying to fill in the blanks in advance [yes, I’m aware of the irony and hypocrisy of my aforementioned disdain].  Anyway, we pre-fill the blanks together now, which makes it another father-son activity.  We sit down at the table and immediately start to fill in the blanks from a contextual conclusion of the the points while we wait for our pastor to begin and teach us through the outline.  Sometimes we nail it, sometimes we simply have a synonymic difference in the words, and other times we miss it all together.

At first I felt that I was leading him astray by not only letting him distract himself with the game, but outright engaging in competition with him.  After all, I know from experience how that can be a student pastor irritation, but I’ve changed my mind.  I actually encourage it now, and if I’m ever again in the environment where there is that “one”, I might just point it out as an example of learning and critical thinking.

Here’s why:

• First, it means he is reading the outline.  The blanks rest within the main takeaways that are intended for him to not only read, but remember.  He has to read them to fill in the blanks.

• Second, it means he is thinking critically and contextually.  He is using his own knowledge and frame of reference to deduce the possible answers before filling in the blank.  Thinking is always good.

• Third, he is listening and paying attention.  In order to “grade” himself, he has to listen for the answers and either feel a certain amount of credibility, or strikethrough his answers and correct them.  Listening and paying attention is what any presenter wants of his audience.

• Fourth, he is processing the information.  As the answers are revealed, he processes his conclusions with the correct answers contrasting his own reasoning with that of the instruction.  Processing is good because it leads to application, and personal application is what any Bible teacher wants of the listener.

As far as I’m concerned, my kids can be “that kid” from now on.  As long as they don’t become bratty and arrogant about it, they can pre-fill all the answers they want.  Now, if I can just get them to answer in the form of a  ___________ , they will be just like me.

Relieved by Love

One of the things I try to do when I visit nursing homes, is take my daughter with me.  I checked Karis out of school early yesterday to go with me because she is the best visiting partner I have ever had.  Her specialty; nursing homes and assisted living centers.

There is no way to fully describe how pleasant she is with the aged.  She makes me the best nursing home minister on the planet just by standing next to me.  She can’t help but smile everywhere she goes, so when she walks in the room, the residents light up with glee.

Besides smiling, she holds hands, hugs necks, lets her face be kissed, and has even prayed with a lady once.  She never hides behind me or outside the room regardless of how scary or gruff someone may seem.  She has never been grossed out by awkward smells or unpleasant sights, and she always takes time in the hallway to speak to the unexpected person sitting lonely in the doorway of their room.  

Never have I seen her so much as flinch when spoken to by someone out of their mind and unintelligible.  Neither has she ever laughed when asked the same question 4 times by Alzheimer patients - she simply takes it all in stride and asks me about the details later.  My seven year old daughter has a ministry gift that sets her apart even at her young age.  It really is impressive.  

Yesterday I watched as she met someone new.  A group of ladies were sitting in the lobby looking out the window when we stopped by.  One of the ladies saw Karis and immediately reached out for her to come close.  She scooped her into her arms holding her tightly like a doll and telling her over and over how much she loved her.

This was probably the most uncomfortable of contexts I have seen my daughter experience.  With shaking hands the lady stroked Karis’ hair and touched her face repeatedly while telling her she loved her - It actually weirded me out a little.  Before letting her go she looked her in the eyes and with an almost begging plea asked Karis if she loved her.  “Do you love me?  Do you love me, too?  Do you love me?” she repeated.  Karis said “yes, I love you” just as matter of fact as she would her own mother.

That woman released her in tremendous relief and with tears in her eyes rested back in her chair telling everyone nearby that that sweet little girl loved her.  Watching my daughter fearlessly bless others the way she did makes me one proud daddy.

As I have reflected upon the experience, two specific things came to mind.  One is that we as parents must sensitize ourselves to the giftedness and uniqueness of our children, and be wise enough to cultivate the richness of the soil for them to grow and thrive.  I believe this is a large part of the responsibility expressed in Proverbs 22:6 which reads “train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it”. 

Secondly, regardless of age, condition, background, or circumstances, we all want to be loved.  I don’t know what that lady’s story is or why she so desperately needed to hear that from Karis yesterday, but I do know what I saw in her face and body language the moment she heard it.  It was peace and rest.

May we all strive to be a blessing to those around us.

My Resolution Revolution Revelation

So far, I have kept the New Year resolutions I made.  It’s January 30, that is a record!

I am especially excited about having kept the one I made to not yell at people.

I don’t yell at everybody, just the people I love the most.  Very few people have actually heard me yell in the way I am referring.  Its a yell of frustration or anger, and is usually in my house or car.  It occurs at times when my own frustration has mounted too high and I have not focussed on dismantling it.  

To be extremely specific, it mostly occurs when I have allowed time to get the best of me and I am yelling for everyone to get in the car or bed.  I can be VERY loud.  Like, causing the sweet little girls (and even boys) in my house to cry, loud.  Scary loud.  Let’s just understand that short of unexpected amnesia, my children will never be able to say “All my life I never heard Dad raise his voice to us”.  Nope, that ship has sailed.  They've heard it.  They probably need a T-shirt to commemorate the experience... or counseling.

It’s easy to say yelling comes with having children, especially as the family gets larger, but it is far more personal than that for me. It is reactionary.  It is also mostly ineffective, and a bit like the dad in “The Croods” - totally mindless.

This year I resolved to approach moments of frustration and anger differently.  I decided to take a mental step back, assess the situation, and keep my voice in check.  It has not been easy.  It has required much personal resolve and even more prayer.

It has come with significant accountability.  My kids know I have made this resolution.  I know they sit and wonder if I am about to pop, but so far, no.  On occasion they will tell me they think I am close and then follow that with an encouragement about the great job I am doing.  Sometimes they even say they would understand if I did yell at them.  I am starting to think they have made a secret challenge out of it for themselves.

What has been amazing to me [besides the fact that I have actually kept my resolution] is that my actions have redirected the actions of our home.  I have discovered that there is less yelling overall in the house by others, and the general intensity in the face of my kids' own conflicts or misbehavior has lessened.  That is incredible!

Actually, it’s proverbial.

• A man of wrath stirs up strife, and one given to anger causes much transgression. - 29:22

• A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. - 15:1

• A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention. - 15:18

• Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare. - 22:24

Children learn what they live, and they will embrace for the themselves the things we simply tolerate.  I want them to learn the right things from me, and modeling is a wonderful teacher.  My kids may never be able to say they haven’t heard me raise my voice at them, but hopefully they will be able to say they remember the year I stopped doing so.  When they do, I hope they shout it as loud as they can.

Idled by Idolatry

Recently I encountered a moment of deep conviction upon my running life.  It is an interesting thing to me, because it was a conviction about my own idolatry.  That’s right, IDOLATRY.  

In modern times idolatry seems like an almost non-existent practice, yet nothing could be further from the truth.  In days gone by, among tribes in lands most of us never encounter, idolatry consists of people “less enlightened” than ourselves worshiping a fashioned piece of wood, stone, or metal made into the image of some thing, some animal, or maybe of some-one.  For more “civilized” societies, idolatry seems like a silly topic, yet I have heard preachers preach against it most of my life... for that matter, I have preached against the principles of idolatry myself.  We often use sports and money to illustrate idolatry for such sermons.  I never think I’m preaching to myself on this topic.

Idols can be good things in our lives.  Not the idolatry itself, but the objects of it.  My children are good things in my life, they should not be my idol.  My job is a good thing to have, it should not be my idol.  Food is a good thing, it can be an idol.  Likewise, exercise, with all its benefits, can be an idol in our lives.  Anything I place in priority over my God, is an idol.

Strange as it may sound to some of my readers, I believe God wanted me to start running.  I believe the Holy Spirit compelled me to do so.  There is no doubt there were some personal revelations and physical motivators involved (See Weak One on Day 1), but ultimately I believe they were simply measures God used to get my attention to tell me to run. 

One of the surprising discoveries in the process is my personal enjoyment of running.  I really do like running. I know! Who knew!  I like the personal achievement I feel.  I like the stress relief it brings.  I like the physical energy I have gained.  I like the loss of pounds that has occurred.  I like what I have seen along my running routes, the sunrises I have witnessed, the personal praise and prayers to my creator as I reflect.  I like the personal applications I have made in the process.  I like it all.  In fact, after completing the training of my C25K app I immediately downloaded the next app in the series and began running towards the 10K goal.  I was amazed at the progress I was making and excited to not only have hit the 5K goal (3.1 miles), but then to run 5 miles.  Then to run 5 miles again... and again... and then even farther.

The five mile mark is kind of a cool mark to me.  I feel proud of the fact that I can.  I think back to the struggle of reaching a single mile - it was hard to imagine five.  I know there are marathoners and triathletes and tough-mudder runners out there that are doing far more exerting runs, but all of them hit the five mile mark at some point.  Even from the perspective of their accomplishments, I know they haven’t forgotten what it felt like to reach their first five miles. They know how I feel.

But then... God spoke to me again.  I was at the point of being just a 1/2 mile from the 10K mark in my running.  I had about two weeks of training time left on my app.  I had already looked at downloading the half marathon training app the night before.  But God convicted me.  In the quite, cool, sweat dripping, rhythmic, serenity of one of my runs God said “I didn’t tell you to run 10K”.  

Wait!!! What?!?  I chose not to listen.

The next run that week was exhausting. I was having an awful time. I actually ran my fastest time ever to the 5K mark, but then fell apart after that.  Each step seemed grueling.  It was almost like day one all over again.  My side began to hurt.  My legs felt feeble beneath me.  I felt more out of breath than ever and decided to stop and walk back home after having only run 3.5 miles.

Once again in the stillness of what was now a walk home, God spoke to me again and said “I didn’t tell you to run 10K”.

Simple as that.  He cleared me to run 5, NOT 10...but why?  Because of my own idolatry.

You see when I started, I found myself more disciplined spiritually as well.  I found myself less neglecting of time alone with Him.  I would return after a 30 minute run and sit on the patio reflecting, praying, meditating, and reading my bible more (I have an app for that, too).  I would spend the rest of the hour or so tending to my spiritual walk early in the day.  They were sweet, revealing moments indeed, and I was not doing it for any other reason than enrichment and pursuit of God.  I didn’t use the time to pray for my church or prepare sermons.  I didn’t use it to research biblical history or think about leadership strategies.  It was simply me and God having intimate time together and tending to the spiritual needs and counsel of this broken man.  People think ministers find such personal time easy, but that is simply not true for many of us.  It is easier to rationalize our study and prep time as “our time with God”.  Believe me, there is a difference between the two.

When I decided to go on to run 10K that time stopped.  My 10K training took longer.  It consumed more of my time.  It consumed more of my energy.  It consumed more of me altogether.  I was reveling in my accomplishment and leaving the spiritual exercise behind.  I was driven to achieve my goal and something had to go in order to get it done.  Like many of the people to whom I have ministered over the years, in order to achieve what I wanted to do, I let the spiritual discipline go.  It is a classic example of the flesh battling the spirit inside.  

I didn’t want to stop running farther, but I must.  I didn’t want to reduce my time on the run, but I must.  I didn’t want to feel like I am achieving less, but I must.  For now, it is 5K only for me.  Somewhere down the road I expect God will release me to pursue a new distance.  Until then I will perfect the one I have permission to do, and pursue new distances in my time with Him.

Ultimately, idolatry points back to self.  Even when the idols reflect something of greater power than our feeble humanity, it points back to self because it is the idol we have chosen for ourselves.  We have decided that it is our god, and that very act declares that we hold self as god even though we camouflage it with the image of something else.

1 Timothy 4:7-8

Discipline yourself for the purpose of godliness; for bodily discipline is only of little profit, but godliness is profitable for all things, since it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come.

Galatians 5:16-17

But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please.

Oh... THAT Parent

Ok... I have now lived long enough into adulthood and in the realm of parenting to realize there are times when I don’t just eat, but feast with all the fix-ins upon my own words. I’m discovering that choking them down is actually more embarrassing than bitter most of the time... I imagine the bitterness is removed through the sweetness of experience and, believe it or not, maturity.

I am in the midst of just such a feast - welcome to kids camp cafe.

I cannot begin to count how many times in my ministry I have tried to convince apprehensive parents that their child will be fine their first trip to camp. I have pleaded many cases and made as many different arguments before individual parents to convince, shall we say, extra protective parents that little “Joey” will be fine and should be allowed to go.

I have become “that” parent now - my kid can’t go.

My oldest is now technically eligible to participate in the week long children’s camp that our church attends each year. I say “technically” because he has completed third grade [the grade level at which this camp begins], but because he is a year ahead, grade-to-age, he is younger than his class peers. For this reason, we decided to wait another year before thinking of letting him go. He might not be mature enough is what we decided... unless one of us were attending as well.

Enter “that” parent issue number two - he could go if one of us were going.

Now I have become "that" parent who’s child only goes if one of us go along. The difference with me is that it has not been a conditional factor that I have leveraged over our student minister, just a factor in our decision process. There have been times in my years when I have had to seriously weigh the value of a student getting to go against the value of a particular parent NOT going - it is a tough call sometimes. I’m sure parents from over the years and trips past would say they weren’t leveraging anything over me either. Right.

As it turns out there is desperate need for another male sponsor to go on the upcoming trip to camp with our children. Guess what? It now seems that I am the only one able and willing to go along on the trip.

Enter “that” parent issue number three - now he can go.

Since I am now going, we are going to send him along; but, if he had shown no interest we would not have pushed it. After asking him if he wanted to go he said “sure, sounds fun”.

I brought the information about camp home the other day so we can both be prepared for the week... he has read over the sheet 10 or 20 times and proceeded to inform me of all that he will be doing [as if I am clueless to what his camp will be like]. It makes me laugh a little every time he brings it up. He is so excited.

I think he has memorized the typical daily schedule, and I know he knows what is offered at the camp store and the cost of each item. He has planned what track times he will choose and asked about other details not included in the information. He had Mommy fill out his forms immediately and has reminded me multiple times of the importance of filling out my paperwork and keeps asking me if I’ve done so. At the time of this post, the answer is still “no”, but it is on today's list. Each day since we told him, he has counted down the remaining days and told us he wishes we were leaving on that day - he can’t wait until Monday.

Though I wasn’t really looking forward to the thought of having to go, I am excited to be there for my son’s first camp experience. I’m certain this is the first of many trips together and also a first for me in a different role on the trip.

Now, I am a group sponsor.

Now, I am a sponsor/parent.

Now, I am “that” parent... and that’s ok with me.

I hope the next few posts will be committed to some of our experiences while we are gone. I am truly looking forward to the trip with our group and expect great things.

Preacher Friendly

“You can’t have friends in ministry” is what a former pastor of mine once told me. He was adamant on this point and though I still do not completely agree, I understand what he meant.

The people we serve and serve alongside are also the people with whom we strive to build relationships. Unfortunately, [and unexplainably since we are the body of Christ] the local church dynamic seems to sometimes get in the way. Can you really be friends with the preacher? Do you really want to be friends with the preacher? Some do, some don’t, and some are bipolar about it. It is the way of ministry.

I am thankful that although the aforementioned philosophy may be truer than I want, God has granted me with those I can truly call friends through the course of ministry. I have some, not many, with whom I am comfortable to be vulnerable. That feeling is a tremendous thing for a minister. After all, who ministers to the minister? Who preaches to the preacher? It must be those in whom trust and reliance is found.

I love the friends that look me in the eye and call me out on my stupidity. I love the friends who discipline my children as their own and me theirs without fear of misunderstanding - I love those friends.

I love the friends who talk with frailty and welcome advice, who listen intently and respond with love and concern - I love those friends.

I love the friends who share a meal and laughter follows, who aren’t afraid to laugh at themselves. I love the friends who feel right at home in my refrigerator and aren’t afraid to take the last coke or piece of cake - I love those friends.

I love the friends who can lie around and watch a show and don’t feel like an explanation is needed for the dishes in the sink. I love the friends who stretch out in the floor, grab a pillow off the sofa and feel comfortable taking a nap if needed - I love those friends.

I love the friends that hug my neck and say they love me and neither of us thinks it’s weird. They make jokes, they make fun, they make faces, and all of it becomes a lifetime of memories together - I love those friends.

I have been thinking deeply about my appreciation of friends developed over years of experiences and journeys. Those relationships are relationships that have been tested, tried and proven along paths of imperfection. Growth comes through love, accountability, and forgiveness. As time marches on and miles separate people, strong bonds remain and new ones develop.

I hope we all have friends that no matter how far away they move or how much time passes, to come together is like the moments of our closest yesterday with them – I love those friends.