Rules for Dating My Children

From time to time I see posts and shares on social media with the title “Rules for Dating My Son or daughter”.  I have both sons and daughters and I have scanned such rules as they scroll by.  There are plenty of variations out there to include T-shirts, posters, window stickers, and magnets.  I saw one artistically etched on stained wood, and there is the typical coffee mug option as well.  Shy of seeing the list fashioned in old-school cross-stitch, I think I’ve seen all the presentations available.  

The rules are meant to be pointed and of course humorous.  They include such things as:

• Understand that I don’t like you, and never will.
• More clothes equals more points.
• I don’t mind going back to jail.
• My son is not an ATM.

I've included my personal favorite.

Obviously, rules vary for sons compared to daughters, but for the most part, the rules for each are similar - understandably, the daughter rules often include some kind rule of violence such as “whatever you do to her, I’ll do to you”.

Like most parents, I love my children dearly.  I want them to have the best experiences and encounters with others possible.  I’ve decided I have only one rule - Be godly.  Can you do that?

When the dating season arrives, can you show up at my door for my daughters, or answer the door for my sons, and be the one who’s first priority is the pursuit of godliness?  That’s truly all I ask.  I figure all else will fall into place if that one thing is correct.  

Guys, do I want you chivalrous? Of course!  Do I want you to respect my daughters…and their parents?  Absolutely!  Do I want you polite and courteous? No doubt!

And girls, should you be gracious and ladylike? Yes, both are beautiful attributes.  Should you be modest? I would think so.  Should you respect yourself? Man, I hope so.

And, while those are all great traits, they are mostly external and can easily be faked…for a time.  Godliness, though?  That’s an inside out thing - a heart thing really.  Godliness comes from a true encounter with Jesus.  It’s the result of a transformation.  Godliness is perspective and God pleasing.  Godliness puts everything else second to a right relationship with him.  Godliness means you are going to be perfect for my children.

If you show up in my kids’ lives with THAT going for you, we’re going to get along fine.  If not, and you hurt one of them?  Lets just say I’m thankful I serve a God of forgiveness - at that point, I just might need a little bit more of it.

My Resolution Revolution Revelation

So far, I have kept the New Year resolutions I made.  It’s January 30, that is a record!

I am especially excited about having kept the one I made to not yell at people.

I don’t yell at everybody, just the people I love the most.  Very few people have actually heard me yell in the way I am referring.  Its a yell of frustration or anger, and is usually in my house or car.  It occurs at times when my own frustration has mounted too high and I have not focussed on dismantling it.  

To be extremely specific, it mostly occurs when I have allowed time to get the best of me and I am yelling for everyone to get in the car or bed.  I can be VERY loud.  Like, causing the sweet little girls (and even boys) in my house to cry, loud.  Scary loud.  Let’s just understand that short of unexpected amnesia, my children will never be able to say “All my life I never heard Dad raise his voice to us”.  Nope, that ship has sailed.  They've heard it.  They probably need a T-shirt to commemorate the experience... or counseling.

It’s easy to say yelling comes with having children, especially as the family gets larger, but it is far more personal than that for me. It is reactionary.  It is also mostly ineffective, and a bit like the dad in “The Croods” - totally mindless.

This year I resolved to approach moments of frustration and anger differently.  I decided to take a mental step back, assess the situation, and keep my voice in check.  It has not been easy.  It has required much personal resolve and even more prayer.

It has come with significant accountability.  My kids know I have made this resolution.  I know they sit and wonder if I am about to pop, but so far, no.  On occasion they will tell me they think I am close and then follow that with an encouragement about the great job I am doing.  Sometimes they even say they would understand if I did yell at them.  I am starting to think they have made a secret challenge out of it for themselves.

What has been amazing to me [besides the fact that I have actually kept my resolution] is that my actions have redirected the actions of our home.  I have discovered that there is less yelling overall in the house by others, and the general intensity in the face of my kids' own conflicts or misbehavior has lessened.  That is incredible!

Actually, it’s proverbial.

• A man of wrath stirs up strife, and one given to anger causes much transgression. - 29:22

• A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. - 15:1

• A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention. - 15:18

• Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare. - 22:24

Children learn what they live, and they will embrace for the themselves the things we simply tolerate.  I want them to learn the right things from me, and modeling is a wonderful teacher.  My kids may never be able to say they haven’t heard me raise my voice at them, but hopefully they will be able to say they remember the year I stopped doing so.  When they do, I hope they shout it as loud as they can.

Idled by Idolatry

Recently I encountered a moment of deep conviction upon my running life.  It is an interesting thing to me, because it was a conviction about my own idolatry.  That’s right, IDOLATRY.  

In modern times idolatry seems like an almost non-existent practice, yet nothing could be further from the truth.  In days gone by, among tribes in lands most of us never encounter, idolatry consists of people “less enlightened” than ourselves worshiping a fashioned piece of wood, stone, or metal made into the image of some thing, some animal, or maybe of some-one.  For more “civilized” societies, idolatry seems like a silly topic, yet I have heard preachers preach against it most of my life... for that matter, I have preached against the principles of idolatry myself.  We often use sports and money to illustrate idolatry for such sermons.  I never think I’m preaching to myself on this topic.

Idols can be good things in our lives.  Not the idolatry itself, but the objects of it.  My children are good things in my life, they should not be my idol.  My job is a good thing to have, it should not be my idol.  Food is a good thing, it can be an idol.  Likewise, exercise, with all its benefits, can be an idol in our lives.  Anything I place in priority over my God, is an idol.

Strange as it may sound to some of my readers, I believe God wanted me to start running.  I believe the Holy Spirit compelled me to do so.  There is no doubt there were some personal revelations and physical motivators involved (See Weak One on Day 1), but ultimately I believe they were simply measures God used to get my attention to tell me to run. 

One of the surprising discoveries in the process is my personal enjoyment of running.  I really do like running. I know! Who knew!  I like the personal achievement I feel.  I like the stress relief it brings.  I like the physical energy I have gained.  I like the loss of pounds that has occurred.  I like what I have seen along my running routes, the sunrises I have witnessed, the personal praise and prayers to my creator as I reflect.  I like the personal applications I have made in the process.  I like it all.  In fact, after completing the training of my C25K app I immediately downloaded the next app in the series and began running towards the 10K goal.  I was amazed at the progress I was making and excited to not only have hit the 5K goal (3.1 miles), but then to run 5 miles.  Then to run 5 miles again... and again... and then even farther.

The five mile mark is kind of a cool mark to me.  I feel proud of the fact that I can.  I think back to the struggle of reaching a single mile - it was hard to imagine five.  I know there are marathoners and triathletes and tough-mudder runners out there that are doing far more exerting runs, but all of them hit the five mile mark at some point.  Even from the perspective of their accomplishments, I know they haven’t forgotten what it felt like to reach their first five miles. They know how I feel.

But then... God spoke to me again.  I was at the point of being just a 1/2 mile from the 10K mark in my running.  I had about two weeks of training time left on my app.  I had already looked at downloading the half marathon training app the night before.  But God convicted me.  In the quite, cool, sweat dripping, rhythmic, serenity of one of my runs God said “I didn’t tell you to run 10K”.  

Wait!!! What?!?  I chose not to listen.

The next run that week was exhausting. I was having an awful time. I actually ran my fastest time ever to the 5K mark, but then fell apart after that.  Each step seemed grueling.  It was almost like day one all over again.  My side began to hurt.  My legs felt feeble beneath me.  I felt more out of breath than ever and decided to stop and walk back home after having only run 3.5 miles.

Once again in the stillness of what was now a walk home, God spoke to me again and said “I didn’t tell you to run 10K”.

Simple as that.  He cleared me to run 5, NOT 10...but why?  Because of my own idolatry.

You see when I started, I found myself more disciplined spiritually as well.  I found myself less neglecting of time alone with Him.  I would return after a 30 minute run and sit on the patio reflecting, praying, meditating, and reading my bible more (I have an app for that, too).  I would spend the rest of the hour or so tending to my spiritual walk early in the day.  They were sweet, revealing moments indeed, and I was not doing it for any other reason than enrichment and pursuit of God.  I didn’t use the time to pray for my church or prepare sermons.  I didn’t use it to research biblical history or think about leadership strategies.  It was simply me and God having intimate time together and tending to the spiritual needs and counsel of this broken man.  People think ministers find such personal time easy, but that is simply not true for many of us.  It is easier to rationalize our study and prep time as “our time with God”.  Believe me, there is a difference between the two.

When I decided to go on to run 10K that time stopped.  My 10K training took longer.  It consumed more of my time.  It consumed more of my energy.  It consumed more of me altogether.  I was reveling in my accomplishment and leaving the spiritual exercise behind.  I was driven to achieve my goal and something had to go in order to get it done.  Like many of the people to whom I have ministered over the years, in order to achieve what I wanted to do, I let the spiritual discipline go.  It is a classic example of the flesh battling the spirit inside.  

I didn’t want to stop running farther, but I must.  I didn’t want to reduce my time on the run, but I must.  I didn’t want to feel like I am achieving less, but I must.  For now, it is 5K only for me.  Somewhere down the road I expect God will release me to pursue a new distance.  Until then I will perfect the one I have permission to do, and pursue new distances in my time with Him.

Ultimately, idolatry points back to self.  Even when the idols reflect something of greater power than our feeble humanity, it points back to self because it is the idol we have chosen for ourselves.  We have decided that it is our god, and that very act declares that we hold self as god even though we camouflage it with the image of something else.

1 Timothy 4:7-8

Discipline yourself for the purpose of godliness; for bodily discipline is only of little profit, but godliness is profitable for all things, since it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come.

Galatians 5:16-17

But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please.

Looking Like A Runner, A Runner Does Not Make

 As I started to run, one of the things I deemed important was to dress the part.  If I’m going to be a runner, I need to LOOK like a runner, right?  I mean, come on! Nobody but the Duggars would run in jeans.

I have gear.  By gear I mean clothes.  By clothes I mean shirts, shorts and shoes.  That’s really all you need, a pair of shoes for running.  You could almost argue a biblical position of running naked by quoting some Hebrews 12 about casting off all that entangles, but that is stretching things a bit.

I have some sport shorts and a couple of those quick-dry work-out shirts.  One of the shirts seems a little small, but I figure when I lose all my gut weight it will fit perfectly to accentuate my anticipated physique.  I guess, to me, it is kind of like that special pair of jeans a woman aims for trying to get into upon reaching her goal weight.

I dressed out in all my gear the first day I ran.  I put on my special moisture drawing skivvies, my best work out shorts...not the tiny, little flappy kind, mind you, but long ones... my shirt, my earbuds plugged in, my shoes, and my work out app.  I felt relatively comfortable and confident that I looked the part.  Looking the part when participating in a new activity is extremely important - especially when trying to hide incompetence.

I was dressed like a runner, but a “runner” I was not.  

This leads me ask, what makes a runner?!?  Is it simply that I run? Is it because I have run for any reason in the past?  If so, then I have run into the ocean.  I ran after a ball in the street.  I’ve even run to the bathroom in a moment of desperation.  Really though, most of my past running has been from bullies in the early years; but all have been times of “running”.

Or maybe running is specifically defined by doing it for its own purpose, and not as a means of sudden travel.  So, is it the frequency?  Is it the consistency over time?  If so, how much time?  And, what if I stop, am I still a runner, or a guy who used to run? I haven’t water skied in a lot of years, but I consider myself a skier.  If I become a guy who used to run, what distinguishes between a guy who used to run and one who simply TRIED to run once?  How is all that measured?  I just don’t know.

I was sitting in a meeting not long ago while attending a Christian conference.  The facilitator was illustrating a point with a running analogy and asked if there were any runners in the room.  I didn’t know whether or not to raise my hand - this was eight and a half weeks into my consistent habit of running.  A couch potato would call me a runner, a marathoner would call me a rookie.  Some of my more candid friends would simply call me insane.

I continue to ponder on this thought of being a runner.  It seems to me that the level of my running does not determine my identity as a runner.  The fact that I run determines this, and I am beginning to recognize myself as a runner.  Ask any seasoned runner when they started running, and they will inevitably refer back to the day they took the first step.  They all have stories of what that was like, how hard or easy it may have been to them, obstacles they faced in the process, unexpected challenges, and the nourishment needed to fuel their efforts, but it started with the first step. 

Additionally, the fact that my body reflects the fruit of my running further confirms I am a runner; the fat trims down, my consumption changes, my endurance and stamina increases, my distance and speed gets farther and faster.  The results are obvious.  The results confirm the reality.  I am a runner, and soon I will run an actual timed race.  That will seal the deal for me.

Regardless of how one might define a “runner”, one thing is certain; my clothes did not make me one.  

Similar is the Christian journey.  So many experiences and encounters along the way prove the truth of our claim.  There are many people who get dressed up in their “religious gear” to mask mediocrity.  We see them at church, sometimes with smiling faces and names on their bibles.  We see them give their offering, not as a reflection of the gift God has given us, but because it is a practical tax write off in the moment, or an emotional tug that could have come from a stranded puppy as much as an imprisoned missionary.  Sometimes we hear them pray with hollow words of repetition that sound eloquent but are black holes of emptiness.  We see them nod at cliches and spiritual snippets that sound good but mean nothing.  They “like” it all, and engage in the appearances, but apply nothing to the working of their own lives.  They are chameleons blending into the environment in which they happen to find themselves.  Like the fig tree Jesus cursed, they bear no fruit in their lives.  They are chaff among the wheat.

Sadly, many probably think they are dressed for success in the Christian race and in the “full armor of God” as mentioned in Ephesians.  Perhaps they think they have upon them a helmet of salvation, but it’s more of a crown of personal glory than anything divine.  Maybe they have a belt, but it is a belt of deception, not of truth.  The breastplate is one of pride and not righteousness.  The feet are shod, not with soft soles of peace, but cleats, under which others find themselves trampled from disunity and criticism.  The shield they bear is not one of true faith, but one of false security rooted in self achievement and personal success.  And the sword?  They are strapped with an empty sheath because the Spirit of God does not exist in their lives.

Christians are known by their fruit.  It isn’t hard to point to fruit in the lives of godly people.  None of us point to the superficial, we point to things that are real.  The evidence is produced from a supernaturally transformed heart.  From death to life we rise.  

• We are not Christian because we dress in Christian morals and principles.
• We are not Christian because we dress ourselves in rituals and rites.
• We are not Christian because we dress ourselves in “righteous” and religious acts.

We are Christian because, and only because, we have been transformed in heart and mind by the supernatural, saving power of God through the work of Jesus Christ.

Matthew 23:27-28

“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs which on the outside appear beautiful, but inside they are full of dead men’s bones and all uncleanness. So you, too, outwardly appear righteous to men, but inwardly you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.

Accountability - Take It, or Leave It?

I have not told many people about my running... 

One of the things about running, for me at this point, is that I MUST finish.  As each day [and now, each week] has been completed, a new sense of accomplishment and resolve has swelled over me.  It has been important for me to do this for reasons far beyond the two listed in my first blog on this topic (Weak One on Day 1).  My realization of things otherwise hidden in the recesses of my soul are being exposed - for some reason, this has been attached to my running.  I’m not sure I will communicate all of it, as some of it is quite personal [ironic considering this blog post discusses accountability].

I haven’t told many people about running until recently when I used it as a sermon illustration.  Until then, I was running early in the morning, sometimes right before light.  I wondered how many of my neighbors might see and ask me about it.  I know most of my neighbors - in a community such as ours, it’s hard not to.  I can easily identify more homes of people I know than homes I don’t along my running route.  Strangely enough, until this past week, no one has said anything to me about it.  I’ve liked it that way, too.  No accountability!!!!

That’s really what my shy secrecy boiled down to, no accountability.  But why?

Well, the obvious answer is the right answer - I didn’t WANT to be held accountable.  After all, what if if I didn’t keep up the activity?  What if I was just going to sudden extremes with an activity that really wasn’t going to stick?  If I told people about it, they might feel compelled to ask me about it.  If I kept it to myself, I didn’t have to deal with facing inability, embarrassment, failure or even quitting.  

This is so much like the Christian walk.  How many of us find ourselves NOT sharing aspects of our growth or commitments or need to improve in areas of our Christian lives because as soon as we do, we know someone might hold us accountable?  We seem to get in this mindset that flying solo in our walk with the Lord is somehow admirable.  A badge of honor, maybe.  I think it is an excuse.  It is an excuse that makes NOT following through easier.  It is easier to NOT race to finish.  It is easier to dip back into our sin of choice or tendency to be complacent.  It is an excuse that allows us a sense of security in an area with no real commitment if we change our minds.  If no one knows we are running to begin with, how can they very well know we have stopped?

It is a challenge to tell another about a personal commitment.  It is a challenge to be so vulnerable.  Vulnerability with others reveals a weakness in us that we assume other people don’t have or understand.  It is a challenge to say to another “look, I know I need to change in an area, and this is how I am attempting to do it”.  It is then also a challenge to face them if we think we are falling short.  

Accountability, real accountability, is always going to be challenging.  It is not to be confused with a group of people sitting in a circle talking about how often and how far they have fallen short and handing out milkshakes to comfort the sense of failure.  Those scenarios just turn into a cauldron of group justification in which everyone marinades.  No! Real accountability is in your face.  It drains the hot-tub of self justification and hands you a towel.  It screams like a coach and reminds you of your goal and desire.  It recognizes frailty without giving in to justify failure.  It builds upon the rubble and rises to the tough occasion of abrasive intervention.

I did tell a few people... very few.  I cautiously told specific people; mostly because I had to for one reason or another, not because I wanted to.  I told a seasoned runner friend because I was curious about shoes and I knew he could advise me in the right direction.  I told a physical therapist friend because I was dealing with some bodily pains and discomfort, and I knew he could help me understand what I was dealing with.  I told trustworthy family members because they are safe people to me, and they will encourage me no matter what.  All in all, what came tumbling back from each of them was nothing but encouragement and knowledge to help me in the process.  Each of them shares a certain commonality with me.  Each of them wants me to succeed.  Each of them is interested in what I’m doing.

That’s how it should be in our journey of faith.  We should be engaging people who are further seasoned in their walk with the Lord to encourage and guide us along the way.  Mature Christians know better than to ridicule a newer Christian’s efforts.  Mature Christians know better how to evaluate, disciple and mentor newer believers.  Mature Christians should be well equipped to help newer ones take steps in areas of commitment, growth, self-discipline, and maturity.  It is through those who have gone before us that we learn that it can be done, and how it is done.  

This is the very thing Paul did with new Christians and churches in the New Testament.  He held them accountable.  He was pretty brassy about it, too, often calling people out by name.  While holding Christians accountable, he strived diligently to be the example to others that they needed. He actually told some to look to him, and others like him, as the example.  In Philippians Paul wrote “Brothers, join in imitating me, and keep your eyes on those who walk according to the example you have in us.”

Most of us are quick to say “don’t look at me as your example, you’ll be disappointed”.  That’s often either false humility or actual truth - either needs to be dealt with.  People desire authenticity from others.  They seek those who they know can help them in specific ways.  People need to be vulnerable with someone trustworthy and reliable.  People are looking to others as examples.  It is the very reason certain people are the first we call in a crisis, or for prayer, for guidance, for confession.  We all know those who, when the moment demands, we call as our go-to in our faith.  They hold us accountable, they tell us what we need - not what we want to hear, and they prove to be legitimate, always.

1 Corinthians 9:26-27

So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified.