Survive

For several years now, I have been in the practice of seeking the Lord for a literal word for each new year.  This word serves as somewhat of a guide for my year, and the framework of my spiritual thinking, ministry, and soul care.  I usually start praying around November, and listen for the Lord to reveal it to me by the beginning of the coming year.  

Last year my word was actually a number - “12”.  There were several instructions included with that word, but the most significant was that He clearly told me He wanted me to begin consistently walking at least twelve minutes each day.  These twelve minutes were the beginning of a new prayer experience with Him that would ultimately evolve into two mile walks almost daily.

The first half of those walks was me talking to the Lord, and the second half was me quietly listening - sometimes arguing.  God told me more, comforted me more, and gave me more instructions on those walks than any other experiences of my praying.  I’d like to say it is astounding.  But, because I believe God has no trouble communicating Himself to His people, I should not be surprised when He does.  To be surprised by God's interactions only exposes the infrequency of my paying attention.

I didn’t realize it at the beginning, but God would ultimately have me only walk all year long.  As a runner who absolutely loves running, being restricted to only walking is sobering.  But through that, God carried me to a different level of relationship with Him beyond anything I have experienced before, and ultimately became a huge catalyst to my personal obedience to Him while facing extremely difficult tests, and significant life choices. 

But, on to this year...

This past November I was less focussed on the practice of discovering my word, and am now into March still wondering what my word for this year should be.  I think it's the word “survive”.  If it is, I’m not sure I like it so much.  I don’t find much encouragement in it.  “Survive what?” becomes the obvious first question in my mind, and "through what?" becomes the second.  I guess those two questions are actually the same.  Either way, I’m not sure I want to know the answers.  

I DO know this, God has allowed me to be a surviver before… more than once.  Perhaps all the looming questions of “why” in those occasions will be answered in this one.  Perhaps those times have been preparations for now.

Also, “survive” feels like such an independent word.  It feels self-reliant.  In fact, I automatically think of the show “Survivor” and how winning requires being able to outwit, outplay, and outlast.  Self reliance is contrary to God’s call to be fully dependent on Him.  I’ve spent the last several months trying to fight the urge to humanly outwit, outplay, and outlast the trials before me. It is taxing.

Then I think about Job losing all he had in the testing of his faithfulness… 

and Joseph in an Egyptian jail from the testing of his integrity… 

and Gideon oppressed by the Midianites tested in his courage… 

I realize their “survival” was fueled by their dependance on God alone, and the solidity of His word.  Each of them found themselves overwhelmed by circumstances out of their control.  Each of them acted on God’s word in ways that confounded those closest to them.  Each of them must have wondered, in the darkness and loneliness of sleepless nights, what in the world was going on.  Surely they questioned God’s processes! Surely they had moments of doubt! Surely they had moments of depression!  Yet… they DID survive.  

In each of their stories, God sustained them in their darkest moments.  He redeemed all that seemed doomed.  It’s what God does for those who seek Him with all their hearts, and He is glorified in the process.  He sustains as we endure.  Hey… endure is another word for survive.  How about that?  

So is persevere… 

and continue… 

and persist… 

and remain…  

Yep.  I think my word for 2018 just might be “survive”.

God's Got This

I am afraid.

As I spend time living a new normal in a transitional period of life beyond anything I ever imagined, I find myself very afraid.  I am not supposed to be.  I am not supposed to be afraid of my future.  I am not supposed to be afraid of my circumstances.  I am not supposed to be afraid of anything at all, because as they say, “God’s got this”.  It feels like I’ve said those words a million times, myself… to others.

I reflect.  

As I tumble in the raging current surrounding me, I have said "God's got this" about nine-hundred-ninety-nine-thousand times less.  It’s funny how answers come easy... for someone else. Oh how they quickly spill out.  But, for me... from inside... for myself... not so.

I am still reflecting.

I learn.

"God's got this" is true for whatever we are going through, at any given time.  Those words spoken to us by others are true even if we feel jaded by them.  I am not jaded, by the way; I am a man discovering the easier yoke and lighter burden Jesus is claiming.  I'm learning it the hard way.

I am still learning.   

I long.

I long for more experiences of the evidential truth that God has a hold of what I am going through.  The few times I have said “God’s got this” in my swirling current, have been times of confirmation in response to His revelations, not just advance speculations.  Funny, just yesterday I experienced it again in my most pointed conversations.

I am still longing.

I pray.

I remain afraid, but it’s different.  When "God's got this" it should be different.  As I experience the revelations of God, and discover His responses in the specificity of my praying, I become increasingly frightened - frightened in a reverent, “fear of the Lord”, kind of way.

I am still praying.

I fear.

Since truly "God's got this”, I must guard against the misplacement of my fear.  In fact, my fear belongs to Him too.  Can my fear itself become an idol?  Yes!  And since “the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom”, it proves to be a foolish one.