Brittle Faith

Recently I heard a preacher say that when Jesus beckoned Peter out on the water, Peter was “literally stepping out onto the word of God.”  

What an amazing way to describe the substance of our faith in Jesus.  Not only faith for our eternity, but faith to live a life that is wrapped up in His word of truth.  That everything He is, transcends all matter, time, and space.  That every response to every calling of God is a stepping out upon His word - His substantial word that trumps all things natural and super.  How can it be?

The greater question for me, is how can I so often not trust that truth and recognize that reality.  How is it that, like Peter, even literally standing on the power of His word, I still stand distracted, and let such distraction thwart my faith in that power?  A power that I know from first hand experiences exists.  A power that I know has been the foundation of so many things in my faith walk.  A power, that even though Peter began to sink while standing upon, still existed as Jesus stood there and walked over to retrieve his submerging body.

As Jesus did so, I imagine that nothing about the conditions changed, only that Peter was then holding the literal hand of Jesus.  You know, that seems a little too clean and delicate for the occasion… maybe Jesus hoisted him up into a fireman’s carry and walked over to the boat.  Or maybe, in a zero-point-energy “Incredibles” moment he used merely a finger and flew him like a kite.  However He did it, in my opinion, Peter went backwards.

Peter, walked on water untouched by Jesus physically.  He was experiencing in his relationship what we all can, and should experience now in our personal 21st century walk of faith.  Peter had the training wheels of Jesus in the flesh, but he got an enormous taste of the level of faith walk Jesus expected of him; his counterparts; and expects of those who follow today.

My faith is brittle in many areas.  I am more aware of that today than I ever realized was true.  God has allowed me to sink beneath several distracting waves of life, in my own way of life.  I’m still not sure what to do with it all, but this I know - God’s work in the current circumstances of my life has been such that all options for me have been removed EXCEPT to simply trust Him.  To call out to Him.  To reach out to Him.  No!  Actually, to be embraced by him.

As I reflect on the story of Peter walking on water, I can’t help but wonder if he made it just far enough away from the boat that he was unable to effectively reach or swim back as he sank.  That’s an important point to me.  As it turns out, my brittle faith has been exposed by the removal of my personal securities.  When Jesus draws us to himself… when He beckons us to step out on His word, its a drawing away from all our safeties.  I know that.  I’ve preached that.  I’ve taught that.  I’m not sure I have been forced to test that fully until now.  I’m not sure I am yet passing the test either - but that's for another blog.  

To what Jesus beckons us all, is the solid, trustworthy, supernatural, foundation of his word alone... but, it is also AT His word alone.  Strangely, that is where I fear I’m failing - taking Him at His word.  And it's funny... what kind of faith is it that believes I can breathe under the water of my doubt? 

Deep Breath

The heart that I’ve sown has grown into granite, 

chiseled and sealed off while taken for granted.  

It lies. Desperately wicked. Slabbed in the morgue.

The reaper does come... 

And with no remorse.

The reaper.  A creeper.  A sinister finisher.  

I just don’t believe this is how he has finished her.  

Nuptial time lapse as everything flaps in the winds of his hurricane, 

with “wins” that bring more pain... strain... and no refrain.  
Nothing gained.  But in the eye it’s calm, yes?

Calm like Cain.

 Moral setback.  Mortal combat.
I just want her to come back.  
Instead it’s like stand back, 
while I try to just get back, 
most times I just fall flat, 
and I’m down on the wrong track.  
I wait on a train to roll over the pain.  
It’s inception.  It feels so insane.  
Meanwhile the flames… 

Oh the flames.

Burning every green tree, and dead tree in my head scene, 

and I can’t seem to tread clean through all the debris.  

Pushing my way through, from the south to the north, true… 

I never know what to do.  And, the pride. 

Yes, the pride, too. 

But the pride is all gone and the fall has begun, 

as the fog falls upon everything that I've spun.  

Is the fog from the bliss?  Is it smoke?  Is it mist?  

It’s blinding me nevertheless,
I don’t even know what I’ve missed. 

Take a deep breath.

Until my lungs swell there’s no way to tell… 

and the Spirit says "just breathe me in".  

Yes, the Spirit says I must breathe Him in.

In spite of that call, instead of the draw,
my breath is held still, once again.

What sin. 

God's Got This

I am afraid.

As I spend time living a new normal in a transitional period of life beyond anything I ever imagined, I find myself very afraid.  I am not supposed to be.  I am not supposed to be afraid of my future.  I am not supposed to be afraid of my circumstances.  I am not supposed to be afraid of anything at all, because as they say, “God’s got this”.  It feels like I’ve said those words a million times, myself… to others.

I reflect.  

As I tumble in the raging current surrounding me, I have said "God's got this" about nine-hundred-ninety-nine-thousand times less.  It’s funny how answers come easy... for someone else. Oh how they quickly spill out.  But, for me... from inside... for myself... not so.

I am still reflecting.

I learn.

"God's got this" is true for whatever we are going through, at any given time.  Those words spoken to us by others are true even if we feel jaded by them.  I am not jaded, by the way; I am a man discovering the easier yoke and lighter burden Jesus is claiming.  I'm learning it the hard way.

I am still learning.   

I long.

I long for more experiences of the evidential truth that God has a hold of what I am going through.  The few times I have said “God’s got this” in my swirling current, have been times of confirmation in response to His revelations, not just advance speculations.  Funny, just yesterday I experienced it again in my most pointed conversations.

I am still longing.

I pray.

I remain afraid, but it’s different.  When "God's got this" it should be different.  As I experience the revelations of God, and discover His responses in the specificity of my praying, I become increasingly frightened - frightened in a reverent, “fear of the Lord”, kind of way.

I am still praying.

I fear.

Since truly "God's got this”, I must guard against the misplacement of my fear.  In fact, my fear belongs to Him too.  Can my fear itself become an idol?  Yes!  And since “the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom”, it proves to be a foolish one.