My Worship Deserves Criticism (but not by you!)

First of all, to my knowledge, no one has ever criticized my worship.  Well… except for that one time in church I played the djembe for a changed up, acoustic version of “’Tis So Sweet”.  It was a powerful song that night, and mostly well received.  The response from one, however, was… not so sweet.  How did he put it?  Oh yeah, “I don’t think we need that jungle music here.”  Awesome.  Note to self - God apparently doesn’t like “jungle music”.  And, I suppose I’ll never play the djembe again.

Other than that, no one has ever criticized my worship.  Oh, wait… there’s me.  I’m self critical of my own expressions of worship in a corporate setting ALL THE TIME.  I never seem to feel completely comfortable doing what I think I should do to express myself.  In my car, no problem.  Out on a run, easy.  Even in my office with people nearby I have no difficulty expressing various forms of worship.  In church, though?  I… am… disastrous.

I’ve been in hundreds thousands of worship services.  A man my age, growing up in church, and in my profession for as long as I have been doing it has absolutely been a part of thousands of worship services.  Over the years, I’ve heard worship leaders instruct me to feel free to express myself however I feel led to do so.  I almost never do.  

Examples of raising hands or clapping are often given.  Jokes about the bible saying “make a joyful noise” [with an emphasis on noise] are often made.  Coming to the altar to kneel, or laying prostrate in the floor have also been suggested as expressions of worship.

I have been in environments where each of those has occurred separately, and sometimes in the same service.  It is a beautiful thing, and I love it.  Freedom to worship, and freedom in worship are fantastic contexts.  It helps bring to life scriptures like “I was glad when they said to me, ‘let us go to the house of the Lord’”.  

But, I generally talk myself out of my own expressions of worship.  Most of the time, I’m never quite able to execute what I think I ought to do in any given moment of church worship.  I’ll often worry about wonder what people are thinking, which then leads me to question my motives, which then leads to me being driven by my assumptions of what others think, which then quenches the Spirit.

I want to express myself accordingly to help others see that they can be free to do so.  You know, set an example and all.  Of course, it doesn't help that there is usually some kind of cartoon floating around christian circles that pokes fun at the the different ways people present themselves or lift their hands in worship.  

Sometimes I may not desire to express myself in a noticeable way; then I start worrying that people think I don’t care anything about worship at all.  Both lead me to question my motives, and my heart of worship in that particular moment.  At that point I am worshipping at the altar of pride, misunderstanding and my assumptions that others even concern themselves with how I worship in the first place.  It really is ridiculous.  My mind is pharisaical sometimes, I’ll admit it.

The truth is I have finally come to terms with my most appropriate form of worship.  Though I feel caught off guard in my discovery, it sums up my worship perfectly - I’m the quiet reflective type.  It seems oxymoronic for me considering my free spirited personality.  

The times I have been most comfortable in worship are times when I sit quietly, surrounded by singing, immersed in the instrumentation, face buried in my hands, and closing out all other distraction but my creator.  Most of the time those have been times and environments of anonymity for me.  It has been then that I have worshiped authentically; simply reflective and pensive.

I think the reason I have not nailed this down until now is because it strikingly contrasts with who I am in everyday life.  In daily life, I’m kinetic, boisterous, full of energy, and sometimes loud.  I have a flare for the dramatic, find humor in almost everything, and am laced with sarcasm.  But when I worship, I am deeply reflective and quiet.  I simply like to dwell upon the God who loves and saved me.  I love to reflect upon His goodness and benefits.  It makes me misty eyed almost every time.  I want to be repentant, thankful, and praiseful.

I have spent too many years feeling bad about not realizing the nature of my discomfort.  It’s because I haven’t actually been following the instructions of worship leaders when I’m around others I know.  In reality, and more importantly, I haven’t actually followed the leading of the Spirit in my worship.  I haven’t been “myself” in my worship most of the time, and I have drawn the fire of my own self-criticism as a result.  Today I say "no more".  Today, I will stop criticizing my own worship.  Today I will remove reason to criticize.  Today, I will repent and dismiss my pride.  Today, I will free my sprit.  Now… where did I leave that djembe?