Why Can't I Just Love My Wife?

Last week was the beginning of my twentieth year of marriage.  I can’t believe how fast time has flown.  I keep thinking about how it feels to approach that life marker with the woman God so clearly revealed to me to be my bride.  It feels like such an accomplishment - I guess it is by today’s standards.  

Back when my two year anniversary came around, I was talking with a young lady my own age about her marriage.  This lady had been married the same amount of time, but was going through a terrible divorce and had experienced a hellish marriage.  I remember thinking that the years I considered the fastest  and happiest two years of my life were what she considered the longest and most painful of hers.  While I was thankful for the blessing of my marriage, I was saddened by the story she shared.

In contrast, my grandparents celebrated over 60 years of marriage to each other - I’m a third of that distance now.  In my time with them, I watched them practice what they preached.  I heard stories of their early years.  I heard them tell me about making ends meet and finding solutions when there were none.  I watched them love each other.  I watched them sacrifice for each other.  I watched them deal with difficult times with their children (and grandchildren).  I watched them in their frustrations.  I watched them in their disappointments.  I watched them in their tragedies.  I watched them lose their firstborn.  I watched them grow old and older together.  I watched one eventually lose the other as death parted them.  I watched them live an example of solidity that shames the generations that have followed.  They were such an example.

Before I was married and in the infancy years of my marriage, I remember distinctive comments made to my wife and me from time to time from other people.  They usually came from people who had been married much longer and were further down the road of life than the two of us - you would think that road would have provided them with more wisdom and encouragement than the words they often shared.

As a fresh couple experiencing the glow of happiness and enjoyment of our time together, I would often hear people say things like 

“You're just engaged right now... just wait, after you get married it’ll all change.” 

“Well, you're still in the honeymoon phase, just wait until you've been married a few more years...”  

“It’s just the two of you now, just wait until a kid enters the picture...”  

It seemed at every stage, there was another down the road scenario that was supposed to hold a sabotaging blow.  Though such comments were often in jest, I hated hearing them. They somehow assumed that the inevitable conclusion of my relationship with my wife would be less satisfying than envisioned.  What kind of encouragement is that?!?  I would try to counter with my own thoughts, convictions, and theories, but I was often dismissed as naive.

It bugged me hearing such things then, but as I look back now, I have an intense disdain for it.  Being married is challenging enough in the best of circumstances without adding to it the suggestion of future misery, mere tolerance, and unpleasantry.  Why can’t I just love my wife?  Why does there have to be some explanation outside of that for my happiness and joy in marriage?  Why does my expression and emotion have to be explained away by the absence of life add-ons like marital devotion, commitment, longevity, and a family?  Are those not some of the very things God cherishes?  Why are those things negatives?  Why are they somehow responsible for robbing love and passion?

I am well on my way down this marital road.  I don’t get such comments like that anymore because as a husband I have knocked the ceiling out of those statements.  

I AM married now - to the woman God set to be my wife.

I HAVE been married for “a few more years” now - I still love her.  I still love to be with her.  I still love to be around her.  I still love to laugh with her.  I still love to see her.  I still miss her when she is gone and l long for her return.

I DO have a kid in the picture - I have 5 kids in the picture.  Incidentally, that’s more in the quiver than any of the people who ever told me “just wait until you have children”.

What now?!?  What ‘cha got oh wise ones?!?

I’ve seen her without make-up --- I’ve seen her first thing in the morning --- I’ve experienced her during mood swings --- I've been on the receiving end of pregnancy hormones.  I imagine I have encountered all the superficial experiences that my “marital sages” of the day offered as future causes for fading sparks.  I love her still.

I’m sure there is a whole new list of “just waits”, but I don’t trust them.  I almost listed a few of them here, but decided it was pointless to do so.  It is not upon those things or circumstances that the foundation of my marriage is built.

I know I probably still sound naive in this, even belligerent, but at least now I have a little experience and personal credibility on the subject.  I have lived out some of what is to come, I have proved forgone conclusions to be false, and I welcome the years ahead, come what may. 

I love my wife. Period.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her.